Do Your Part: Help Your Teen to be Self-Reliant
and Confident

by Jeffery Peyton, MA, CADC-I

Take a moment to reflect on your interactions with your children  today. What was the general tone of the day? What emotions predominated  for you? Were you calm, listening, curious, frustrated, angry, or  impatient? What message do you feel your child will take to bed with  them tonight?

One of the great challenges of parenting is  finding a balance between allowing our kids to discover who they are,  while teaching them about expectations, rules and consequences.  Sometimes in our attempts to do so, we may find ourselves frustrated,  tired, being manipulated or just beaten down. In those moments we might  react with anger and "put our foot down," or give up and let things  slide. In my work with adolescents at Catherine Freer Wilderness Therapy Programs, I have heard something over and over that parents have a hard time believing--in their heart of hearts, teenagers say "Please have  boundaries and expectations for me. Be consistent. I need to know you  will keep me safe, even if I don't act like it!"

As parents, a primary goal is to assist our children in developing  self-efficacy and good judgment. By doing so we give them tools to  interact with others in settings outside the home, advocate for  themselves, and make good choices when we are not around. The  foundational process of developing these traits is through the child's  own experience of making choices and experiencing the consequences of  those choices.

Research shows that in seeking cooperation from your child, how you  communicate your expectations may be the most significant variable--the  old adage is really true--"it's not only what you say, but how you say  it." Our use of language, and yes, tone of voice, is not lost on our  children. As dictators around the world can attest, through domination  and control you can instill compliance, but at what cost? There is  usually an uprising or mutiny in the works as a result. In considering  the manner in which we communicate our expectations and model our values to our kids, several points are worth noting:

Firstly, compliance comes from investment in the outcome. One way to  gain your child's investment is to instill the underlying values and  intention behind expectations. For example, if the rule is to "look both ways before crossing the street," the rule is more effective if the  child knows the intention is "to keep you safe." This can extend to  moral rules, rules of safety, and rules of social interaction, such as:  "Saying 'please' is part of the values of our family. It shows respect  to the person you are asking to help you." Through helping your child  understand that rules and expectations aren't about "because I said so," but are rooted in a positive intention, they can gain investment and  identify how it can benefit them.

Secondly, cooperation comes from relationship. Certainly, in all  relationships there are good days and bad days, when we struggle with  moments of conflict. When you interact with your teen in those  not-so-happy moments, take a minute to notice how you are  communicating--are you reacting, or are you responding? Reacting can be  identified as an unconscious, often emotion-driven communication style.  Generally when we are reacting (or reactive) we are in "defensive" mode, and not really paying attention to what we are saying and  communicating. We are speaking from our emotional brain, rather than the area of the brain that is the command center of judgment and weighing  consequences.

Reacting can sometimes be expressed through anger, irritation, sarcasm  or "shutting down." Responding, by contrast, is a conscious, thoughtful, relationship-based way of communicating. This is where "mindfulness"  comes into play, allowing us to respond in a thoughtful manner rather  than in an unconscious manner. What is the real difference? Your teen  will likely see a reaction as being an invitation to do battle with you, and a response as an invitation to engage in real communication.  Reacting often breeds conflict, while responding often moves towards a  resolution. Each time you respond rather than react, you are building  your relationship, and demonstrating that you respect your child enough  to communicate authentically.

Lastly, what is the real message we ultimately want to send to our kids? Obey me because I am the adult? Fear me? Probably not. Likely the  message we are hoping to send is "I want you to grow up happy and  responsible and make good choices." This message is delivered most  effectively by demonstrating your belief that your child has the  capacity to exercise good judgment, that you have faith in their  inherent goodness, that you are proud of them and their innate  capacities. We can demonstrate these beliefs by being "neither too tight nor too loose." If we hover about and control everything our children  do, we rob them of the opportunity to learn from the consequences of  their choices. If we dominate or control them in an effort to create  compliance, once we aren't there they won't have the experience of  figuring things out on their own.

As an alternative, try the middle way, and be an advocate for your  child. Allow them to fail, to make mistakes, to develop judgment and  discernment, yet be there to help them sort it out. Be genuinely  interested in what they think and feel, be empathetic and curious, fair  and consistent. It isn't a quick fix, but a cumulative process that  builds over time, interaction by interaction.

So next time your child tests your rules, remember that deep down, they  actually want you to be consistent and follow through. Take a breath,  respond with intention, and know you are adding one more piece to the  foundation that will build a healthy, self-reliant and confident young  adult.

 

 For more parenting tips by Jeffery Peyton, MA, CADC-I, visit Catherine  Freer Wilderness Therapy Programs Parenting Tip Blog at http://catherinefreerparentingtips.wordpress.com/.

About the Author

Jeffery Peyton, Ma, CADC-I has been working with young people for more than 20 years and appreciates their resilience, capacity to learn, and their honesty. Jeff is an adolescent therapist at Catherine Freer  Wilderness Therapy Programs. He received his BA from George Fox  University, his MA from the Julliard School, and is undergoing PhD  studies at the University of Oregon.