Change Is Certain; Progress Is Not.

by  Will Nelson

There are forces at work propelling us towards change. It is  inevitable, try as we might to resist. The issue is not always the  change, but the effect change has on that with which we identify. We  become hurt or annoyed when things change in ways we find disagreeable.  Once change begins, there are discernible phases before the outcome(s)  becomes a permanent part of life. We are now experiencing an exponential increase in both the speed and volume of change, primarily due to  technology.

 Change By Commitment Not Committee

 People resist our changing when it confronts them. If you're changing  and growing and I'm not, I have three choices: One, I have to confront  myself and ask why I'm not. Two, I have to stop you from going through  this change so you'll no longer threaten the fact that I'm not changing  too. Or three, I can detach from you or this part of our relationship.  So, when change becomes necessary you have three choices: Support (go  with), oppose (go against), or detach (be neutral or uninvolved).

 To be ready for change first we need leverage on our self. This means we can change our behavior, introduce new behavior, and be motivated and  disciplined to see the behavior become part of our life.  Sometimes a significant threshold has to be crossed. One must perceive  not changing as more painful than changing.

 This often is the case in severe drug and alcohol addictions. Here, you  require the leverage to say, "I must change." Not, "I want to change."  Not, "I wish I could change," but "I MUST CHANGE!" A client described  his drinking problem by saying, "I was an army, ready to surrender. I  got to the point where however great the fear of not drinking was, it  was less than the knowing of what drinking was doing to me." The best  leverage is either the perception of dire circumstances or tremendous  positive motivation.

 Be aware how your changing affects those around you. They are watching  the change happening to you, in part because it will affect them. People become uncomfortable because we destabilize their world where they are  accustomed to and invested in our behavior. Others must get on a page or fear being left behind. Those who don't may project their drama and  ridicule your attempt to grow.

 If great change is in the offing, accept the possibility of moving on  from certain relationships. Sometimes others must also move on from us  to change their life. Release the fear that we may leave people - or  that people will leave us. Both will happen. Let's say you and I have a  habit of jogging on the weekends. Saturday mornings are spent running  around the park followed by breakfast. One day you have an epiphany. You want to push yourself, improve your game. You've decided to run the  Boston Marathon. (You like taking big steps.) Our leisurely jogs on  Saturday mornings... a thing of the past. It's time for serious  training, but what about me? I have three options. One is I can also  start training for the marathon. This would continue facilitating that  aspect of our relationship.

 The second option is detachment. I decide running a marathon is not for  me. Perhaps I can meet up with you for the last mile or two of your  training program and we can do that together. This could actually work  to my benefit because I now have an opportunity to re-evaluate my  choices and interests.

 The remaining choice is resistance. I liked our weekend jogging and  breakfast routine just the way it is. I feel threatened and don't want  it to change. My angle, my dialogue becomes "Gee, did you know how  painful shin splints are?" Or, "That's too much running. Not good for  the body. Could give you a heart attack. Might even kick up that old  back problem." Or, "Very expensive with all the shoes you'll go  through." Or, "Where will you find the time?" When it goes beyond a  well-intended concern it's an attempt to sabotage your growth based on  my motive, which is that we continue as before, without change. Always  consider the source of the advice you are getting.

About the Author

Will Nelson is a Life Performance Specialist who created the Life 101 program called Vitalogy, the study of vital living. It is lifestyle management for smart people. http://www.vitalogy.com